Rock Bottom

Well, I think I might have hit it. It didn’t happen when I thought it would but I think it’s here. I had one hell of a day on Friday, complete with a tragic mid-afternoon panic attack followed by binge drinking and making a fool of myself while out. I don’t know why I still […]

Post-MACJC Festival

Just wrapped up this event and I’m exhausted! I caught a glance at myself in the mirror today and liked the booty plumping! I really want the next semester break for me to be with me 20 lbs lighter and way fitter. Tonight I went to boot camp and we were essentially freewheeling…which was stressful […]

Finals Week

It’s been a long two weeks. Holiday gatherings with difficult family members, co-workers sickly and losing family, and immediate family facing big moves. I’ve personally been reminded of that fateful week seven years ago when I lost Shanta, my favorite sister and leader in life. The holidays come with much anxiety for me; I always […]

SAD 

I think I might have this. Not the word contained in many of Trump’s tweets but Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’ve noticed a significant change in my mood every fall when the weather begins to cool and the sun is lower. It’s a subtle but unmistakable sudden change of my outlook coupled with a few other […]

Positive Vanity

I know the title is a bit of an oxymoron but bear with me.  As a person with an extensive past of feelings of self-loathing, I’ve known the negative extremes of both mindsets associated with it: 1) self-obsession that comes off as self-absorption and 2) the inability to take a compliment to my own detriment.  […]

Rosie: RIP

Some bastard hit and killed our dog two days ago. To say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. I feel so punkish because I just randomly start crying. It’s so damn quiet in the house. All her stuff is still here and there was no time to say goodbye there’s a bloodstain right adjacent to my […]

Update: New Meds

First night on them and my mood immediately improved (after a significant break down) and I slept like a baby…for about 3 hours. I’m told the sleeplessness goes away. But my mind is clear and my mood is stable on the first night. Wonder what the morning will be like.  So far, good. 

New Meds and Old Feelings

My suspicions were confirmed about my mother. Not that this should bother me. But it does considering my history.  My mother said she thought I was a lesbian.  Let’s start by saying I’m not offended by this because of th title and meaning. I’m d pelt hurt because I know what it means to my […]

Update: Smooth Sailing

The last couple of days have been surprisingly stable in terms of my mood. I’ve gotten a lot of work done and had a pretty decent handle on my appetite. I’m a little sore and have some minor sprains that are bothersome but I’ve been doing easy cardio and watching my intake.  I have, however, […]

Update: Euphoria to Sinking

I went to a concert last night and felt safe. Had friends with me and made some new ones. Great time. At some point, I felt very happy and confident. It was before and during drinking.  I felt this way despite being very anxious prior to going out and then having a pleasant, if guilt-ridden, […]